Adventures in cable installation

Way back at the beginning of all this I concluded that getting our internet up and running would be a key to our settling in. The ability to connect with family and friends, access familiar web sites, stream NFL football...all very important for one's happiness and general well-being. So long before we moved I did the research and signed up with UPC, Ireland's largest cable provider. I opted for a bundled service with the fastest possible internet speeds, and scheduled installation for March 12, the day we were to arrive. 

We got to the apartment at 10:30 that morning, met our relocation agent and the broker for the apartment, spent an hour learning how to operate the heating system, kitchen, lights, etc, and then our agent took us to a phone store to get Sandy a new "mobile." With that important task completed, they dropped me off back at the apartment to wait for the cable guy and headed out for an afternoon of shopping. 

I wandered around the apartment trying to remember everything we had just been taught about how things worked. The heating and electrical systems were all unfamiliar, and I could barely keep it all straight. Did he say turn this dial for extra hot water, or to change to the summertime setting? If I pull this cord will the alarm go off? Does this button turn on the radiators, or the floor heat? What was that he said about the oven? I couldn't wait for the cable guy to arrive, set everything up, and get at least one system running smoothly. Maybe he could even answer some questions about other topics while he was working. Like advice on leasing a car, or how to use the bus system.

A couple hours later there was a sharp rap on the door. The cable guy was here! I opened the door with a big smile. Cable man was holding a big box and an electronic tablet. He said to me in heavily accented Eastern European English, "You accept UPC terms and conditions?" I nodded, and he made a mark on the tablet. "You accept cable box?" I said yes and he handed me the tablet. "Sign here", he said. I did. He handed me the box, and without a word turned, ran out to his car, and disappeared.

I stood there in the doorway for a full minute...where'd you go, cable guy? Where's my internet? I can barely turn on a light in my apartment, what am I supposed to do with THIS? I opened the box and set the contents on a table. Here's what I found:

The TV was unfamiliar. Its remote had strange symbols and sticky buttons. The coaxial cable that came in the box had an end I'd never seen before. The coax coming out of the wall was on a splitter that I had to remove but was so tight I couldn't budge it. And my toolbox was on an airplane somewhere. But I was one determined son of a gun. I sucked it up, told myself I wasn't in Kansas anymore, and an hour later, with the help of a can opener that doubled nicely as pliers, proudly fired up my new Macbook and found the wifi signal. 

This may be a hardscrabble land. But I live to fight another day!